legolas by laura Revisited: Now With Commentary
by AlexAmericus
Summary: I am continuing this, just not as soon as I said. Today is the infamous Lord of the Rings fiction 'legolas by laura.' This one took a little bit of research because FFNet won't let you copy and paste. Probably due to story-stealing. I found the text on Tumblr, and I modified it a bit from the website, added my commentary, and here it is! Enjoy my sarcasm. Rated 'T' for my mouth.
1. Introduction

Hey guys, it's your friendly neighborhood Ravenclaw Alex alive and kicking and ready to bring you another terrible, horribly spelled, grammar killing fanfiction!

If this is your first time reading my commentaries, then I bid thee welcome to my Realm of Never-ending Sarcasm. Please enjoy your stay and help yourself to any refreshments and appetizers.

If you are a stalker - er...I mean, follower - of mine, then you already know how this is going to work. I'm going to offer my snarky as shit commentary while listening to heavy metal while making cheeky references to movies, comics, books, shows, YouTube, and what have you. Blah blah blah.

Today's monstrosity is a personal favorite of mine, mostly because it produces so many red squigglies on my ancient Microsoft Word program that the paperclip mascot probably hates me. If you haven't figured it out by the title, then I strongly suggest you get someone to strap you in and give you a helmet and floaties, because that is abysmal...unless you're blind, then that's totally acceptable.

For this fanfiction, I deliberately and painstakingly made each sentence its own paragraph, because those fuckers are long as hell.

This commentary is rated 'T' for, once again, my ridiculously worse-than-a-sailor foul mouth.

My commentary will be in **[bold brackets]** as per usual, because I like being obnoxious.

If you somehow make it to the end, please remember to review suggestions of what bad fanfiction I should parody next and leave any comments that you have.

**Big Disclaimer before I kill your brain cells:** I own none of the references I make. Any reference you recognize is just something that I pulled from the depths of my demented brain.

P.S. Psst! Unlike the My Immortal commentary that I did before this several months ago, there will be no daily introductions and opening skits. Laura was a schmuck and never got past the first chapter. (Wait, perhaps that's a good thing.)


	2. The Atrocity

Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived. **[Holy motherfuck, every English and Writing teacher in the history of forever is cringing at that run-on.]**

**[Alt. Jesus Christ on fire, I haven't seen a sentence that long since the Constitution.]**

Legolas said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die". **[Spartans.]**

Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"and then Legolas was happy for someriseing. **[So glad I decided to listen to Disturbed before delving into this.]**

10 Years Later **[Because nothing eventful happened in those ten years.]**

Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too". **[Hey Legolas, there's this thing calling knocking. Ever hear of it?]**

Then Legolas said"whats a matter" **[Someone failed science class.][Alt. Did anyone else think of the Assassin's Creed meme 'Wassa matta you, Altair?']**and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse". **[Step 1: Get on. Step 2: Don't fall off. Step 3: There is no Step 3, that's it.(1)]**

Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson". **[Let's play a game, take a drink every time Laura writes 'Then' at the start of a sentence.]**

Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell". **[She's been living with him for ten goddamn years, I know Thranduil is not too keen on visitors but something tells me that Gandalf would've been an exception.]**

Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.

Then **[Take a drink.]** the boss of the Orcs **[Boss? What's next an Orc Resources? Orc Unions? Actually, that's not a bad idea.]** came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".

Mean while **[Take another drink every time a sentence starts with 'Meanwhile.']** Legolas and Laura was horseriding and then **[And while you're at it, add 'and then' to that growing list of overused phrases and words.]** Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then **[Drink.]** Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"and then **[Motherfuck.]** Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you" **[Because Aragorn is gangster now] **and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby". **[Okay, so Laura's only ten...keep this fact in mind. It'll be important later.]**

Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"and then Laura said"hello I am Laura". **[And I'm Alex, through me you will meet your inevitable doom.]**

Legolas said"she is the princess" **[How convenient.] **and then Strider said"she is so cute"and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"and then Legolas looked up and said"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too". **[Feel...what? What are we feeling?]**

Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"and then they had tea and went to bed. **[Because nothing eventful happened during Tea Time.]**

During the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's room. **[He will later regret that notion because those guards will turn out to be as ineffective as the ones at Swamp Castle.]**

Mean while the Orcs climed up the window **[Hardcore parkour!]** and grabed Laura and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs **[What'd I tell you?]** and then Legolas ran down the hall.

Then Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her". **[Guard used Stand And Stare Like A Bumbling Fool! It's not very effective.]**

Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did **[Never defy a Sue, lest they assume their final form.]** and then the Dark lord came out of the fire **[A wild Charizard has appeared! Oh wait...too fearsome. Charmander. Yeah, Charmander.]** and said"welcome Laura"and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got her.

Then the Dark lord said"put her into the cell and bet her and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her". **[That wasn't in the fine print.]**

Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the door. **[As opposed to leaving it wide open.]**

Laura go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save her. **[It sure ain't gonna be me.]**

Mean while back at the castle of Milkwood **[**_**Milkwood...**_***head desk*]** Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save Laura.

Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains **[You can't tie chains, moron.]** and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her **[A million sins for child molestation.]** and then Laura said"go away you bastard". **[Because screw psychological trauma.]**

Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard **[Forty lashings for the tart!]** and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura. **[Please let that be arsenic.]**

Few hours later **[Again, because nothing eventful happened.]**

Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor to save princess Laura. **[So...many...grammatical...errors.]**

Mean while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her left. **[DUN DUN FUCKING DUN.]**

Then Laura said"I feel so cold"and then she can't see very the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said"let Laura go" **[Thus Moses said to the Pharaoh; 'Let my people go.'(2)] **and then the Dark lord said"no"and then Legolas said"right lisson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way in.**[Through Minas Morgul and Shelob's Lair, to which you have minimal chance of surviving unless you're a near invincible Hobbit named Frodo Baggins.]**

Then Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim up. **[Hardcore parkour!]**

Mean while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the castle. **[What castle? There is no castle.] **Gandalf said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord **[Gandalf gets his inspiration from Magnum P.I.]** and you and the others go and help Legolas".

Strdier said"becareful"and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me". **[***_**Don't you forget about me...***_**]**

Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura is.

Legolas said"Laura are you in there" **[You just - AUGH.] **and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came" **[This is either gratitude or a euphemism, make of it what you will.] **and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"and then Laura said"how did you know that". **[Because he's physic. Duh.]**

Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me". **[A million more sins for previous child molestation.] **Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down. **[Legolas should try out for the NFL.]**

Laura said"wow"and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked" **[You didn't notice that before?] **and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"and then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys". **[Of fucking course. What power is it this time? Is she the last Airbender?]**

Then the fright began **[BOO!]**

Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at them.

Then Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"and then Strider said"yes it is"and then Legolas and the others started to kill the Orcs.

Mean while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark lord. **[He was having fun? Gandalf doesn't know what fun is unless it involves Pipeweed and Hobbits making fools of themselves.]**

Gandalf said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"and then a sword came out of nowhere and said"some wished us here" **[Apparently Gandalf has a secret genie that he doesn't know about following him around.]** and then Gandalf turned and said"Frodo baggins why you doing here".

Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"and then the Dark Lord said"oh no" **[OH YEAH!] **and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.

Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape **[Aragorn is Batman, that is the only logical explanation here.]** and put it around Laura.

FEW HOURS LATER **[What about the battle? That was eventful! Are you just going to sit there and leave out a battle?]**

Legolas and the others are on the way back to the castle. **[Thanks for the memo, but I would like to remind you that I don't give two flying fucks.]**

Legolas said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better". **[Why? Are there no healers in Mirkwood, because I find that very hard to believe.]**

Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"and then they turned around and went to Rivendell. **[Turning around wasn't necessary, just ****face to the north and real subtle-like turn left****.]**

Legolas looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura's head and she was bruning up.

Strider went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said"she is getting wose"and then Legolas said"I know".

FEW HOURS LATER **[This fanfiction has more time skips than an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.]**

They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips **[AUGH! FIVE MILLIONS SINS!]** and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".

Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend" **[FUCKING TEN YEARS OLD!] **and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend" **[A condemn you to eternal damnation to Purgatory under Moloch's careful watch.] **and then Laura and Legolas kissed said"what happened to me Legolas"and then Legolas said"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion" **[Redundancy is redundant.] **and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken". **[Thanks Captain Obvious, we'll call you if we need you again.]**

Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura **[Why hello there Candlejack.]**

**FOOTNOTE GOODNESS! :D**

(1) I taught kids how to horseback ride for five years, never once have I said this...though I admit to wanting to.

(2) I'm an Atheist and haven't read the tale of Moses for several years. Please don't stone me.

Well, you made it to the end. I commend you. If only I could give out rewards.

Remember to stalk - I mean, follow - me to catch any other commentary I do and review suggestions for what fanfictions you'd like me to commentate next!

Thank you very much,

AlexAmericus


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